Bringing up children today - 10 steps

There is a big transformation taking place in the globe today. Many young couples from developing regions are settling in developed countries. They have good income but less time to manage their children. In developed countries people are reluctant to get married and even so, hesitate to procreate children. Even in developing countries, in urban life, where both the parents are employed, they have enough money and material but not time. A lot of cultural changes take place due to migration and quick communication facilities. However due to indiscriminate consumerism and automation we find it difficult to retain even basic values that are necessary for our children and society. To site a few for example: “Rise early; live a simple life; don’t eat too much; do exercise; be kind; don’t waste food; recycle………”

 We are at crossroads. We need to strike the right balance between managing material wealth and retaining human values. Basic values are crucial in bringing up the children today. Let us see ten critical steps that will help our children face the transforming world and grow rich and strong in the real sense.

1. Moderate, make best use of abundance

It is important to provide the children with what they need to grow and learn. But today there are too many gadgets available for children which are actually not necessary for them. Buying a lot of unwanted toys, dresses and gadgets for young children will do more harm than good. What they need is valuable time with the parents. They need exposure to other human beings and nature. A mother commented, “I am trying to atomize everything to save time. I bought bouncers, monitor, music system etc. etc. But my child wants human touch”. Abundance is no less a problem than poverty. In abundance children may get many things but not necessarily what they need. We need to show our love and attention by caring for our children, being with them, telling them stories, eating with them. We need to take care of the following by exercising caution and providing only the right things to children:

·        Too many gadgets create perpetual insufficiency and intolerance; dependency makes children weaker.

·         Lack of human interaction may lead to isolation and psychological issues at later stages.

·         Adamancy and indiscipline lead to other problems.

·         Lack of interest in education(this is well known problem in advanced, affluent societies today)

Parents need to moderate and make best use of abundance. If you are poor, seek help; if you have more, share with others who need your help. If we just check our dump yard we will be surprised to see a mountain of unused things there. Remember, there are millions of children who do not even have a meal a day. By moderation you are helping your child and also the needy.

2. Regulate information

Perhaps the biggest problem of today is flow of information. We get a lot of information and finally not the information we need. It is extremely important to teach our children not to waste time in getting unnecessary information. There is a commercial advertisement in everything, from TV program to internet. It is ridiculous that we watch more trash than what we actually want. We are being just dragged in to this, even without our knowledge. Technological advancement is good to human society, as long as we know how to use it. The parents have to be role models to children particularly in regulating information and entertainment. When we watch TV serials and browse internet all the time, how can we ask the children not to? Time management of the entire family is important for regulating information to children.

3. Be nice, be firm on discipline

Remember even the kings who had all the wealth sent their children to an acharya (teacher) in hermitage to learn a disciplined life. They underwent hardship when they learnt archery, horse riding etc. Loving and caring children is not just giving whatever they want. Loving and caring is good, but pampering is not. Indiscipline is a byproduct of abundance. When you start satisfying children with whatever they want, then the situation can become uncontrollable. The child may become arrogant and misbehave. Be nice to children but be firm to tell them the importance of discipline. Take care so that they grow as good citizens with good values.

4. Be good to all children

There is a proverb in Tamil which goes” If you feed other’s children, your children will automatically be taken care of”. This is the spirit in some villages even today. In a neighborhood, a child can go to anybody’s house and spend time safely there. Treat other children as your own children. Feed them whenever possible and take care of them. You cannot be with your children and protect them at all times.  You have to trust the society and universal law. For this the first thing you need to do, is to take care of other children as your own children, whenever there is an opportunity. This trust and care for others is the real security for your children.

5. Guide, don’t control

What is most important in raising  children? It is to make them to stand on their own feet and lead life successfully. No doubt we love our children and feel happy when they are happy. We should not try to own children like toys. We own the responsibility of bringing up children. We regulate them to flow freely like a river with banks on either side. Trying to control them is not good for both children and parents. Spoon feeding is not going to help either. You should always think of the children as independent individuals considering their future. You are doing your duty in bringing them up. In the course you also enjoy their company. The problem starts when you want your children to do exactly what you want. This is basically because of your ownership notion. Remember you are parents to your children, not owners.

6. Listen to children

In present world both the parents go to work. There is not enough time for the parents to spend time with the children. It is difficult to understand their language and hence you need a lot of time and patience to listen to them and understand them. Further, due to the fast development of cybernetics, your children may have better information than you. You should be open-minded and learn from your children. Sometimes they operate a computer much better than elders, as they are quick to learn. You cannot be a dictator but at the same time, you need to regulate them. This needs your time and no gadget can replace this.

7. Teach values from tradition

There is a saying in Tamil, “Packed food and dictated lesson will not last long”. The materials and advice we give will be lost in due course. If you want your children to live their own lives when you are not with them, you need to teach them values which cannot be lost. There is nothing like developing the habit of daily prayer and chanting. There are number of slokas (verses) available in all languages including Sanskrit for chanting. It is extremely important to teach your children to face difficult situations boldly. No parent can ensure absolute happiness and security to the children. Therefore it is wiser to give them the values such as prayer and chanting to face any difficult situation. Each community has some traditional values which are time tested. It is vital to teach these values to children.

8. Have a master mind hour

Parents should ensure that at least twice in a week the entire family sits together and discusses about their work and schedule. This is master mind hour of the family. Children must be consulted on common matters according to their maturity and age. Children will feel very confident and proud when they are given importance. This will give an opportunity for all in the family to come out with their issues and find an acceptable solution. This also gives your children an opportunity to understand and appreciate your budgetary constraints.

9. Realize your child’s potential

It is the most important role of parents to realize the potential of the children. Not all children have the same intelligence and talent. But certainly every child is talented and intelligent in their own way. It is harmful to compel a child to study or do what you like. It is wiser for the parents to closely watch the children and find out their natural talent and develop them. Some may be good in mathematics, others in literature etc. Every field is equally important. It is not necessary that all must become IT engineers. When you try to make your children study, it is not enough to simply ask them to go and study. It is not the number of hours that matters. You need to find out their difficulties and help them. Why should any child fail in a subject? No child does this willingly. After giving the basic education, you should let the children pursue the subjects they find interesting. Even the great mathematician Ramanujam was not that good in other subjects. It is natural and you should respect their aspirations and help them.

10. Ensure good family atmosphere

It is ascertained by psychologists beyond doubt that the quarrels between parents ruin the life of children. Most of the adult problems are traced to childhood. A broken family is found to be the most common reason for psychological problems of the grownups. Parents should avoid smoking in front of the children. Don’t do anything at home that you don’t want the children to do. It is the responsibility of parents to ensure peaceful, healthy atmosphere at home.

 Above all, parents have a social responsibility. Your children are future engineers, doctors, politicians, and teachers and so on. When you bring up your children, you are also building your nation; in modern context you are shaping the future world. Give your children good values; they will take care of themselves.

- Arasu Ramanujam

Good speech

Speech is an exclusive gift given to human beings. It is obvious that one who uses this gift appropriately is most benefitted. However speech is often misused or over used. Most of our problems could have been avoided had we kept silent instead of speaking. We can lead a successful life if we know how to speak. In modern days, there are so many courses to teach us how to speak in an attractive and impressive manner. Our tendency is to speak to impress others or to insist our own point of view. In the long run, it is important to know how our speech shapes us. It is equally important to know how the listener has valued our speech. Let us see how a good speech is viewed from a spiritual perspective for our well being and uplift.

Before we speak, we think. So, we need to have a clear mental attitude for a good speech. Bagavat Gita describes mental discipline as, "cheerfulness of mind, cheerfulness in expression, absence of pressure to talk, mastery over the mind and clean intent.” A contemplative person with the above qualities can speak well. How does this person speak?   There are five factors considered to form discipline of speech in Bagavad Gita: “Speech should not cause agitation; it should be true, pleasing, beneficial and a daily repetition of scriptures. Let us take each factor of speech discipline and see the benefits.

Non- agitating

The listener is given importance here. If the speaker causes agitation in the mind of the listener, the purpose of the speech is defeated. No communication can take place when the listener is agitated. There is no point in speaking when there is no attention from the listener. In our busy life we do not even think about the state of mind of the listener. With so many mobile phones around, the listener is perhaps already agitated with the previous speaker. We may also have to take care of this factor now! Whatever the method we follow regarding impressive speech, when the listener is agitated, what will he understand? So, when we start our speech, we need to be careful not to offend and agitate the listener.

True

Everyone speaks a lot about truth, but speaking truth is different. We are likely to compromise on this for temporary benefits. For speaking truth, we should know the real value of truth. Nothing else can be as valuable as truth. Every time we compromise on this we really lose a lot of mental peace and do great internal damage. Think of a person telling his friend a higher value for his house in a deal and making profit in a dishonest way. The lie will always come to his mind whenever he meets his friend. This person has split himself as a thinker and speaker. When the thinker is different from speaker, he is not himself. The value of truth is many times bigger than we normally think. Nothing can compensate truth.

 Pleasing

By speaking truth it does not mean that we can say anything and everything upfront. Our speech has to be true and also pleasing. One may not like the nose of his friend. It may be true. But is there the need to tell this to him?  It is very important that we exercise caution not to hurt the listener (These days we are often told to be frank and confrontational). We should use our discrimination. Every time we hurt someone by our speech, we are indirectly harming ourselves. We will be left with no one to listen to us in the end. People may listen to us when we are in power. But all powers are temporary. Further this will affect our spiritual goal and make life miserable in the final days. It is better we practice to speak in a pleasant manner. We also do a service by pleasant speaking as everybody loves such conversation.

 Beneficial

This indicates avoidance of unnecessary speech. When we speak, it should be meaningful and purposeful.   Our speech should always be beneficial to the listener, not just externally pleasing. This means our speech has to be honest. By this we develop compassion, an important value for living. Who would not like to listen to a speech when it is beneficial?

Daily practice

 In Vedic way life, every one belongs to a particular Veda (Rig, Yajur, Sama, Atharva) and chants his branch of the Veda every day. This trains the mind to focus and improves memory power. This practice keeps the Veda alive in its original form from generation to generation. In present day context, for those who have no opportunity to chant Vedas, repetition of prayers at a particular time can be a good practice. Any form of repetition brings discipline and makes us active. This is an exclusive time allotted to oneself to practice the best part of speech, speaking to the Supreme. Daily practice makes one perfect and the performance becomes spontaneous.

Value of discipline

The value of the above mental and speech discipline can be really appreciated if we think of our relationship with others. There is no one in this world, with who we are in complete agreement at all times. Even with the closest friend we have some difference at some point in time. Our likes and dislikes keep changing and disagreements are inevitable. Our only permanent relationship is with God. Spilt words cannot be taken back. Many top leaders, ministers and business men had lost their position because of hasty speech. There is no point in speaking something in haste and repenting later for that. The damage is already done.

There is something very interesting about the organ of speech, mouth. Only mouth has two functions. It has the function of action as well as knowledge which are known as karmendriya and jnanendriya. We taste when we eat, which gives knowledge of taste, hence it is instrument of knowledge. When we speak, mouth is an instrument of action. Therefore mouth is generally overworked. When we keep this also in mind, silence is sometimes needed. The one, who follows the above steps, keeps silence when appropriate and speaks only when necessary makes a good speaker.

-Arasu Ramanujam

Realize your greatness

When I am praised, I feel great. When I was a boy, every time the teacher praised me, I was motivated to do something even better. As an employee I liked my boss when he appreciated me. Even as an old man, I feel great whenever someone praises me for what I have done ten years ago. In the history of mankind, all great things have happened because someone has achieved it in an attempt to become great. Otherwise why should anybody do something extraordinary with so much  effort? Every gold medalist in the Olympics has taken tremendous effort to achieve this moment of pride.

  Fundamentally everyone one of us feels great when appreciated, irrespective of our age, work and place. When we feel great, we are happy and want to repeat the performance. But this greatness is only short lived and disappears when we find someone greater. This is due to our inner urge to be the greatest. If I feel I am great, you also have the right to feel that you are great. But who is greater? As a boy I was dreaming of something great that nobody has done in human history. This inner urge is there in every one of us. The intensity may vary from person to person due to the circumstances. But as individuals we are limited. When we look at the sky and see the countless stars, everything around us becomes so small. We feel small and limited from the stand point of an individual, identifying with our body, mind and intellect. However we continue to make our efforts to become greater and greater. Whenever we feel limited, we pray to God and seek His help. This is good. However our prayer also is limited as we are not aware of what exactly we want. Therefore there is a never ending cycle of prayer, achievement and prayer. By the time we realize this, we are already at the end of our life.

 There is another interesting situation here. If everybody is attempting to become greater and greater, who will be the greatest? Can this problem be solved? Let us look to Bagavat Gita for a solution of this fundamental problem.  Gita says, “All pervasive space is not affected by anything. In the same way the self abiding  in all states in the body is not affected.” Let us imagine a lab where several bottles are kept. These bottles are of different sizes from 100cc to 2000cc.The space in a 100cc bottle is smaller than 200cc bottle. There is a space in 300cc bottle which is greater than the space in 200 cc bottle. Space outside all of these bottles is much bigger. In fact there are differences only in the sizes of bottles. If the bottle is broken, the limit is gone. There is nothing called small space and big space. There is only one space, it has no limits.  Every object is in space. There is space inside our body as well outside. As our body, the earth, sun, stars every object that we can see are in space, they don’t affect the space. Every individual is like this bottle space. One thinks of oneself  greater or smaller than the other. What limits us is our body notion like the bottle space. This is due to ignorance of true nature of self.

In the above verse of Gita, three states of our body are mentioned. They are waking state (jagarat), dream state (swapna) and sleeping state (sushupti). Whatever happens in dream state is real for the dreamer. But when he awakes dream becomes unreal. In the same way for a dreamer the waking state does not exist. We generally don’t realize this. We consider only dream as unreal as we always relate to our body in waking state. In sleep, we are not aware of anything. So Gita says, our real ‘Self’ is a witness of all the above three states and beyond any change or limitation like the space.  There are two aspects compared here. The space is all pervasive and unaffected, so is the self. That which is all pervasive is unaffected and can only be one like the space.

 If I really want to be great and unlimited, the first step is to shed my body notion.  I have identified myself with my body, which is limited. So I feel limited and I want to compete with everything and become great. When I surrender my ego, I can discover my real self with the guidance of a teacher. I am great, you are great and everyone is great. It is just the ignorance that covers the individual and makes one limited. A thorough study of “Self knowledge” under proper guidance can help us discover the real greatness and happiness in us.

-Arasu Ramanujam

How not to fail

Here are ten practical steps for those who don’t want to fail.

Good desire and determination

It is said that even God created this universe out of his desire and determination (sankalpa shakthi). Good, non binding desire produces best results. Half hearted approach takes you nowhere. The first step is to have good desire and determination to achieve.

Self confidence

Unshakable Confidence in oneself is the real capital for any program. Even if the whole world is behind you, things won’t work if you have doubt in your confidence. Confidence in you makes the difference between success and failure.

Define goal well

Define and understand your goal well. Know your strength to achieve the goal. Think well before setting the goal and keep going with full focus afterwards.

Pray to remove obstacles

Three types of obstacles may come in way when you progress - obstacles from your own side like bad health, obstacles from external factors in the surrounding and obstacles from natural forces or divine powers. As you have no control on these factors prayer is the best way to ward off these. Hence we say ‘Om shanti’ three times when we pray.

Prioritize your tasks

Never attempt to do everything at a time. Prioritize your tasks. Select top three tasks in a given period of time and manage your time accordingly.

Your team comes first

Always your team is more important than anything else. All other factors come next. Trust in yourself and the team. This is the key for success. Fulfill all reasonable needs of your team. Do not compromise on this as the team should have absolute trust in you to give its best.

Judgment and decision

The most important difference between animals and human beings is the power of choice. How well you perform depends on your judgment and decision at a critical moment. Correctness of decision depends on wisdom, accuracy and usefulness of data.

You are the driver

When you have taken the responsibility, you are the driver. For a driver there is nothing above, only a structure has hierarchy. Everybody will go with the driver including the top as long as the driver is going in the right direction. As a driver, anticipate problems and avoid them before you face them.

Work for excellence

Always work for excellence. If a job is done, it is to be done well. ‘Me too’ attitude never works. If you do a job, you should know what you contribute specially in it. Enjoy when you work. It is not worth doing something if you don’t enjoy.

Time and speed

Timing of an action and speed at which you do it give you the advantage over any competition. Many great successful events happened in history were mainly due to right timing. Speed puts you ahead. Nothing can fail you when you are in right time.

If you have followed all the ten steps above, you cannot fail. If you still feel you have not got what you wanted, God will have something even better than that for you. Leave it to Him.
-Arasu Ramanujam

Life, a happy journey

There are two fundamental questions about life. Why do we live? How do we live? Let us look at the second question first. There is a reason for this. Even if we don’t know the answer for the first question, we have to live. Further, as a child when we start our life we don’t have the maturity to ask, “Why do we live?” But life journey has already begun. So, we have to do a lot of things in the beginning without knowing why we do them. If we have chosen a right way to live, that will take us to the right destination. The purpose of life will be revealed in due course. Now let us think of the best way to live.

The way has to be natural, smooth and time tested. Let us look at a river. It starts some where in a mountain and flows to wards the ocean and merges with ocean. In fact the river originates from the very same ocean. This is a natural cycle. When it flows from the mountains to the plains, it is useful to the plants, animals and human beings. Vast land is irrigated, enough water is provided for animals and human beings. There is a purpose, naturally carried out, useful to living beings. There are different stages in this cycle. Before the river merges with the ocean at the end, it serves a purpose during its journey. It is naturally accomplished.

Ancient Indians divided life cycle in to four stages in similar natural way guided by Veda. They are Brahmachari (student), Grihasta( house holder), Vanaprasta(hermit) and Sanyasi (renunciation, monk). Each stage is called ashrama (shrama means effort). This system is designed beautifully to make our life meaningful and enjoyable till the end. There is no mental stress, no conflicts in this system. Each stage of this cycle is well defined with boundaries to make the flow smooth like a river and finally reach its destination.

Brahmachari (student life)

Now days, the main objective of our educational system is employment. In the vedic way of life, there was ‘Gurukulavasa’ where the student was given over all training to make him fit in to the society. The objectives of Brahmachari life:

1. Refinement of the student; Help the student to become a cultured human contributing to the society and individual growth.

2. Develop discipline; train the student in rituals, worship. This makes the person physically dynamic and mentally alert

3. Values; teach the student important values which have been time tested such as respect to elders, teachers and parents. He is well prepared for the next stage of Grihasta

Grihasta (house holder)

This is an important stage. As the river flowing in the plains feeding the entire living beings, a grihasta supports all others. He is the main earning member of the family and the society. Luckily family life is still alive in many parts of the world in some form or other. Some of the objectives of this stage:

1. Basically this institution is to protect dharma (righteous way of life) and carry it forward to the next generation. Material perspective is secondary. In the present world everybody wants to be economically independent in the family. Then the very purpose of family is lost and each tries to live independently in a given place. This does not make a family. Such family will disintegrate in a course of time.

2. As per vedic system, family is sacred; God has given this bondage. When we live together each having a defined role, we learn tolerance, accommodation, forgiveness and other important values. Therefore husband and wife can live together till the end.

3. In a harmonious family, the children grow well with healthy mind. Most psychological problems of the present society are due to disharmonious family.

4. The role of father, mother and children are very well defined. For example, even though the husband is the earning member, he cannot do any ritual without the wife. He has to consult the wife for any decision. When each member of the family does his/her duty, it automatically fulfills the need of the other member.

There is no conflict.

Vanaprasta (hermit):

Generally withdrawal from any activity is difficult. We do not want to leave anything until we are forced. That is why we keep many unwanted things with us. This stage is training for gradual withdrawal from active life. This is a turning point.

1. After middle age the body slowly weakens. Even if the mind is fast, the body does not cooperate as before. Most of us do not accept this weakness and try to speed up with the mind. Therefore many fall prey to serious physical illness and subsequently the mind. Hence this stage prepares us for withdrawal from active life. Vana is forest; vanaprasta literally means going to forest and leading a secluded life. What a great concept! We practically see now that the youngsters sending signals of non interference and yet the parents have no mind to withdraw.

2. In a way, rejection by busy young people is good. There will be time for introspection. Slowly one has to start the enquiry of the self, visit religious places and get into the company of noble people who can guide us to go to the next stage of sanyasa.

Sanyasa (renunciation, monk life):

1. This need not be always physically giving up everything. One needs to mentally give up all possessions. Anyway the day is not far away that everything will be taken away. In vedic way of life, this sanyasin is happily ready to hand over his body before death threatens.

2. In this stage he takes up serious study of scriptures and understands the purpose of life.

3. Whether every one reaches the stage of self realization or not, the system takes us to the end in a smooth way to face death willfully without any resistance.

Vedic way of life prepares us step by step towards the end even without our knowledge.First we learn good values and discipline then get in to lot of actions and understand that these actions alone cannot take us to the destination. Then we withdraw and look inwards and begin self enquiry. Therefore in ancient Indian system, questions were raised after some maturity. Otherwise we will be wasting time on just arguments.

Why do we live?

Let us look at the first question now. After lot of righteous activities in Grihasta ashrama, one starts the enquiry of self. Now the question,”Why do we live?” makes sense (A few may ask this question and understand at an early stage, that is an exception not rule). Our whole life is an effort to get liberated from bondage. We are in continuous search to know our real nature. Every one of us wants to live happily, all the time. Of course we would like to live as long as possible, probably an endless one. Vedanta, the end part of veda gives us the answer. That is why Veda is considered as our sixth sense (instrument of knowledge). Mundaka Upanishad beautifully explains the purpose of this life journey,”Just as when various rivers with different names fall into the ocean, they lose their separate identities and become the ocean itself, so also the jnanis (wise men)lose their names and forms and become one with Paramatma, the Supreme”. The aim of Vedas is to help one obtain liberation whilst living in this world itself. That is the glory of Vedas. Anything else that we acquire in this world is temporary, it will leave us. Liberation alone is permanent, once got cannot go away. Vedic way of life takes us through this happy journey and reveals the secret of life.

-Arasu Ramanujam

Stars,space and beyond......

Check out this great MSN Video: Big Stars    

Now we talk of sun being smaller than many other stars. Science will advance and discover many more facts. We have no capacity to even imagine how big must be this universe. My city becomes small when I compare it with my country. The country becomes small when I compare it with the world. The earth is a small dot compared to Sun. Now we know that even our mighty sun is small compared to many other stars. Further, there are galaxies and all these are in continuous motion. When we think of this, our problems just disappear. We are such invisible dots. But for us mosquitoes and ants appear to be small. What is small and what is big? It all depends on our stand point.

We tend to think about this universe with the knowledge we have through our five sense organs and our interaction with the five elements- space, air, fire, and water and earth .Most of the time we are attracted by the grossest objects around us. It is all nothing but form and name. When we go to the level of water it has no form than that of the container in which it resides. Go further to the level of fire and air, it becomes subtler and subtler; nothing to speak of space. We cannot see, touch or taste. But everything is in space-stars, sun and earth. But who cares about space?
Go beyond this…..even space and time are in Brahman, the Supreme.

Purusha Suktam beautifully reveals the Supreme (Brahman) at the opening section itself……..”The Supreme (Brahman) exists enveloping the whole manifest universe, cognizing through every mind (literally head), seeing through every eye, and working through every limb-nay He exists transcending the universe. Essentially the whole universe is He Himself; whatever was, whatever is, and whatever will be-all are His manifestation. It is He who confers on all immortality by which alone they live".
What can be greater than this understanding of the Supreme(Brahman), stratum of this vast universe?
-Arasu Ramanujam